Role Functions

My family is, as stated before, beyond dysfunctional and so the only function we meet is that we allow individual development; however, I would not say that this is done in the most positive of lights. Growing up I was constantly on my own. At the age of five I remember putting chicken tenders and fries in the oven or cooking macaroni and cheese on the stove because my parents were too busy working that I had to cook for myself if I wanted to eat. As I got older they left me completely on my own and so I lived out of my car and at my friend's house which caused me to develop myself quickly because there was no one looking out for me, except for me.

In regards to the other functions, my family was not very affectionate and I grew up incredibly naive as I did not even know what sex was until my freshman year of college and I never even kissed a guy until I was 22. While no one believes me, I just can defend myself with saying that I had other things to worry about, like finding a roof to sleep under, than finding a boyfriend and dealing with the high school drama I saw my friends go thorugh. When I did spend time with my parents though it was primarily with my dad because the gender roles of my brother and I were confused. He was the son who cleaned, was in show choir, and played piano while I was the daughter who shot funs, mowed the yard, and drove the four wheelers whenever I got a change. There was not much emotional support or nurturing in these activities whick led my brother and I to grow up with a lack of confidence. We both know how to do a lot of things, but none of them well because we never got the encouragement we eneded to want to master anything. There was definitely no form of family managment or kinship as it was "survival of the fittest". If we could outwit one parent and o to the other, we would. If we could get away with sneaking around and not talking to either parent, we would. There was never a bond that made my brother or I feel guilty but instead it caused us to give each other hints about our deviancy. And finally our basic resources were met to some extent, but does that really matter when everything else was out of order? Especially when our basic resources should have been higher than those around us because of our parents' high paying jobs but we were still forced to survival ike poor cihldren and pay for everything ourselves.

Fitzpatrick's couple types were hard for me to identify with because I am not married yet; however, I found it interesting because I am getting married this month. I think Ren and I would identify with the more traditional couple but I would say we are far from traditional. Ren definitely runs the house and makes all the decisions yet we completely lack having a schedule and we keep living abnormal to what is expected for us. Our relationship has been nothing but backwards as we got pregnant in July, went on our honeymoon in September, and we are getting married in October so it is funny for me to say we are traditional. The gender roles are definitely in place though for the household chores as I am in charge of cleaning and cooking and he is in charge of the cards and yard work. In other ways though he is overly masculine in his decision making that he is even planning our entire wedding. I have had little say in it and I have been fine with that because his color and decoration choices are better than I would have suggested and it alleviates some stress in my life.

Growing up I was a definite conflict avoider as I would run to my room at the first sign of an argument. I think this stems from a family who resorted to a life full of yelling but now I just can't handle any sort of raised voice, including a pastor who is just passionate about his sermon. I think in my relationship with Ren though we are a volatile type of couple who are just use to disagreeing and arguing. Typically we get mad, he yells, I cry, there is osme silence and spatial distance, and then we move on with the day's plans without acknowledging we were just fighting. There is not always a resolution but we just move on until the next time we get mad and snap at each other.

Growing up my family was definitely a "random type" of family but I intend to change that with my new family. I desire to have intimacy and closeness with my husband and kids so we will have a more closeed familiy with traditions and family nights. On the other hand, I do not want them to be as naive as I was for their whole lives and I would love to have a more open family as the kids get older, as long as they know that they can always ask Ren and I questions and for advice. I never want to have such an open family that some day we become such a random type family that our family unity is completely gone and my children are writing bad things about our family like I write about my own.

The Burley Family

In response to the Burley Family I think that they have the right idea with sticking to their traditional roots of the man making the decisions and the woman taking care of the house and children. I hate to admit that I might be traditional, but there was less divorce when this was the way of life, so maybe there is something to it after all. I also like that they allow the daughter to explore feminine and masculine interests and does not make her stick to liking princesses. I think it is very important to children that they get to explore all areas at a young age than wait till they are older and possibly have an identity crisis because of it.

The Family Rules

Rules were hard to come by in my family as most of ours were implicit, or unspoken.

The first implicit rule was in regards to my mother. Never, ever, try to talk to her during one of her television shows unless it was on a commercial. Absolutely nothing I have to do, say, or ask is more important than prime time television and I was to learn that at a young age. If I was to break this rule my mother would give me that motherly look that would scare me away and remind me to never do that again. Now that my parents have upgraded to DVR I am now allowed to speak if I can see that the red light is recording and my mom is assured that she can rewind those few seconds I spoke and watch every single moment of the program.

Next was if you saw my dad getting on the motorcyle than grab a helmet and expect to get ice cream. Typically if my dad was also getting in the car without my mom the same rule applied, but it was not a guarantee. This was always my favorite thing to do, especially as my bedroom was right on top of the garage and I would race down the steps if I heard the garage door go up. It was always a good time that my dad and I got to spend together and it really drew us close at a young age as I knew that I could always talk to him. My dad is still the same way, even though I am about to become a parent myself, and it is so refreshing to know that some things never change.

The last explicit rule may seem rude to the traditional family and odd to any outsiders viewing my family; but it was completelly normal and anticipated from my family. Whenever i leave the house I always say "bye jerk face" or "see you later dipstick" to my dad. We have never used the phrase "I love you" as our love is shown in a more sarcastic manner. Growing up my dad was always coming up with ridiculous nicknames for me that made no sense so I started coming up with names back such as meany head and other childish phrases. As I have got older I have tried to outwit him and come up with every day words that I can use that have more of a story behind them. For example, when I got my first car I was skimming through the owner's manual and I saw the word "dipstick" so I turned to my dad quickly and said "Look! Your name is in this book!" and poined at dipstick with this huge grin that I beat my dad to the punch; unfortunately, he promptly looked up and said "And there is yours" as he pointed at the words "air bag". I have never been able to keep up with his humor but we have tried to maintain our relationship by being odd and calling each other meaningless names.

The only explicit rule we had was a very reasonable rule. I still lived with my parents after I turned 18 but unfortunately my friends all lived twenty minutes away from me. Because of this dilemma it was hard for me to go home and write my parents a note that I was going to stay at a friend's house when I would not know till really late so we came up with a great deal. Our compromise was that by the time my dad would wake up in the morning my car needed to be in the drive way or there needed to be a text on his phone that I was safe. I never once broke this rule and it made living at home as an adult much easier because if I did not know where I was going to be sleeping by five in the morning than I had a problem! I knew that their intentions were to not worry and to just know that I was not stuck on the side of the road some where and I respected that since I was living under their roof, rent free.

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My response is to the Dean Family

I think it is great that your family has created stability by enforcing the same rules when both parents are there or just the mom or just the dad. This was definitely lacking in my family and caused a lot of tension as I knew which parent to go to when I wanted a particular thing. It is great that you have noticed that and prevented it from occurring and from constant arguing later on in life.

The Core of My Family

COhesion has never came easy for us because in reality we are a far from cohesive family. Our emotional bonding is non-existent unless we are yelling at each other, our boundaries are the size of the Grand Canyon, we do not lean upon each other when making decisions, and we are not involved in each others interests. I guess this is partially because of our mixed family. In my biological family, the Laffins, it is easier to cut times and walk away from problems with the family then to stand strong and be there for each other. This is definitely shown when my biological mother decided to sleep through parenting classes and put no effort into making the home a better place for me which caused her to lose parental rights. Instead of owning up to her responsibility or asking her parents to care for yet another one of her kids she created a massive boundary and fled. In my adopted family, the Carpers, I was always the odd one out because I was the one who just did not belong. Physically I was the bigger boned redhead while the rest of my family had dark hair and was fit. They had their own biological son which was the prized child which they had great cohesion with; however, I was always the outsider because they did not expect me to turn into much more than my mother did. The time to nurture me was lacking and so I created my own boundaries and shut them off before they had the chance to hurt me more.

Adaptability was another struggle for my family; however, it was all I knew. The Laffins adapted pretty well to life without me as they went fourteen years without contacting me. They were not affected by their circumstances and my mother even had another child after me and raised that child till he was fifteen. As stated previously, the Carpers did not adapt well as they never really tried to make me their daughter. They wanted to be the hero and save a child who needed a home, but a child needs more than just a roof over their head, they need to belong and feel loved. As I became a teenager I got tired of not fitting into any family so I packed up my car and lived out of it. Many of my firends took me in and I was comfortable sleeping wherever there was a bed or a couch. I did not complain and I took advantage of the families who made me feel like I belonged. I did not judge them for what my other families had done to me but I embraced them in hopes of feeling loved.

When analyzing my family this indepth I have come to realize that we are a very dysfuctional coffee shop. My biological father was just a seasonal Pumpkin Latte who was there to donate his goodness fora very short time but left before he needed to commit to his surroundings. My biological mother is a very weak, watered down cup of coffee. She has no reason to be part of the coffee shop famility because she does not have the right characteristics or desire to belong. She fails easy and does not care about bettering herself. My adopted father is a decaf coffee. While he is a great father, he has no backbone. He worries more about not causing any disturbance than to just be the man of the house who takes charge. My adopted mother is an Americano; very strong, on a league of her own, and likes to separate herself from the rest. She could be a very compassionate woman but she chooses to separate herself from people and do things her own way, which barely ever works the way I think she hopes it will. I am a smoothie. Completely confused and blended by so many personalities that I barely even know where I came from or what I am made of.

My adopted mother was the best at creating boundaries. They were bigger than an entire planet and she never lets anyone in, not even her children. My brother and I are constantly confused and trying to figure out what is going on in her head as her actions seem so irrational and unexplainable. We use to blame it all on menopause because we did not want to believe that she could be that crazy and insensitive; however, unless menopause lasts for 15 years it is time to accept the reality that she would rather keep us out. In return, I have created great boundaries towards my family. I barely ever let my fmaily in or tell them anything about the real me because I know it would not be accepted and I feel like I am a better person without their criticism. My other families that have taken me in through the years are the ones that matter to me and I can tell them anything without limitation, especially my fiance's family. As I am about to get married I am realizing even more how many boundaries my family has had. My fiance's family tells each other they love each other constantly and hug when they say goodbye. In my fmaily their never was any physical affirmation, let alone the use of the word love. This is something that I hope to change with my twins because I want to have a very loving family that can share with each other anything at anytime, even if my child has felt like they have done something wrong. I do not want to be their best friend, and I want to maintain my authority, but it is very important to not carry on my fmaily's tradition of distance for the sake of my children.

So with all of this said I think the theme of my families would be "scared". My biological father was too scared to step up to the plate and take care of the child he created while my biological mother was the same way, she just could not escape as easy. My adopted family was scared to make me their daughter because it might take away attention from their biological son. And me, well I always grew up scared and wondering when the next blow would come and when I would have to meet my third family. Thankfully I am now at the age where my third family is my own family and I will not be a scared mother. I refuse to keep this theme going and I will make my family be different from what I had.