The Core of My Family

COhesion has never came easy for us because in reality we are a far from cohesive family. Our emotional bonding is non-existent unless we are yelling at each other, our boundaries are the size of the Grand Canyon, we do not lean upon each other when making decisions, and we are not involved in each others interests. I guess this is partially because of our mixed family. In my biological family, the Laffins, it is easier to cut times and walk away from problems with the family then to stand strong and be there for each other. This is definitely shown when my biological mother decided to sleep through parenting classes and put no effort into making the home a better place for me which caused her to lose parental rights. Instead of owning up to her responsibility or asking her parents to care for yet another one of her kids she created a massive boundary and fled. In my adopted family, the Carpers, I was always the odd one out because I was the one who just did not belong. Physically I was the bigger boned redhead while the rest of my family had dark hair and was fit. They had their own biological son which was the prized child which they had great cohesion with; however, I was always the outsider because they did not expect me to turn into much more than my mother did. The time to nurture me was lacking and so I created my own boundaries and shut them off before they had the chance to hurt me more.

Adaptability was another struggle for my family; however, it was all I knew. The Laffins adapted pretty well to life without me as they went fourteen years without contacting me. They were not affected by their circumstances and my mother even had another child after me and raised that child till he was fifteen. As stated previously, the Carpers did not adapt well as they never really tried to make me their daughter. They wanted to be the hero and save a child who needed a home, but a child needs more than just a roof over their head, they need to belong and feel loved. As I became a teenager I got tired of not fitting into any family so I packed up my car and lived out of it. Many of my firends took me in and I was comfortable sleeping wherever there was a bed or a couch. I did not complain and I took advantage of the families who made me feel like I belonged. I did not judge them for what my other families had done to me but I embraced them in hopes of feeling loved.

When analyzing my family this indepth I have come to realize that we are a very dysfuctional coffee shop. My biological father was just a seasonal Pumpkin Latte who was there to donate his goodness fora very short time but left before he needed to commit to his surroundings. My biological mother is a very weak, watered down cup of coffee. She has no reason to be part of the coffee shop famility because she does not have the right characteristics or desire to belong. She fails easy and does not care about bettering herself. My adopted father is a decaf coffee. While he is a great father, he has no backbone. He worries more about not causing any disturbance than to just be the man of the house who takes charge. My adopted mother is an Americano; very strong, on a league of her own, and likes to separate herself from the rest. She could be a very compassionate woman but she chooses to separate herself from people and do things her own way, which barely ever works the way I think she hopes it will. I am a smoothie. Completely confused and blended by so many personalities that I barely even know where I came from or what I am made of.

My adopted mother was the best at creating boundaries. They were bigger than an entire planet and she never lets anyone in, not even her children. My brother and I are constantly confused and trying to figure out what is going on in her head as her actions seem so irrational and unexplainable. We use to blame it all on menopause because we did not want to believe that she could be that crazy and insensitive; however, unless menopause lasts for 15 years it is time to accept the reality that she would rather keep us out. In return, I have created great boundaries towards my family. I barely ever let my fmaily in or tell them anything about the real me because I know it would not be accepted and I feel like I am a better person without their criticism. My other families that have taken me in through the years are the ones that matter to me and I can tell them anything without limitation, especially my fiance's family. As I am about to get married I am realizing even more how many boundaries my family has had. My fiance's family tells each other they love each other constantly and hug when they say goodbye. In my fmaily their never was any physical affirmation, let alone the use of the word love. This is something that I hope to change with my twins because I want to have a very loving family that can share with each other anything at anytime, even if my child has felt like they have done something wrong. I do not want to be their best friend, and I want to maintain my authority, but it is very important to not carry on my fmaily's tradition of distance for the sake of my children.

So with all of this said I think the theme of my families would be "scared". My biological father was too scared to step up to the plate and take care of the child he created while my biological mother was the same way, she just could not escape as easy. My adopted family was scared to make me their daughter because it might take away attention from their biological son. And me, well I always grew up scared and wondering when the next blow would come and when I would have to meet my third family. Thankfully I am now at the age where my third family is my own family and I will not be a scared mother. I refuse to keep this theme going and I will make my family be different from what I had.