Power

My mother, Janet, uses her economic resources against me at all times. While she is not financially hurting she likes to pretend that she is to withhold helping me. I could write an entire book about incidents just from this year alone. Back in May I asked her to cosign a loan for me so I could attend summer school and she would not because she did not want to be responsible for me not making payments, even though I have never made a late payment on anything. I decided to not talk to her for a week because I was trying to figure out alternative ways when one day out of the blue she called and said that she would pay for the whole tuition amount. In one week she went from not even a signature to paying $5,000. Then as we started wedding planning she refused to help because she said that she had expenses come up. I was not bitter towards this since I understand that happens; however, when I went to deposit $100 into her banking account I saw that she had over $25,000 in her checking account. It does not take a scientist to know that glasses and going to the dentist will not cost that entire amount so I did get a little mad since I am her only daughter and it is a one time event. A week before the wedding though she changed her mind again and ended up helping us out. She uses her resources to try and manipulate me into her way of life even though I am married now and trying to depend on my husband; like I feel a marriage should be. I think that if she set up budgets for certain events in advance and share it equally between my brother and I that it would be much fairer. That way there are no set expectations and she cannot force me into feeling bad or guilty for asking for help on occasion.

My new family, involving my husband, me, and twins, are definitely more conversation oriented. My husband and I both grew up in conformity style homes and did not want to continue that in her family. There is definitely a line that we maintain so our children remember that we are their parents; however, we talk about things and are very open so the children understand why we discipline or think the way we do, also that allows for discussion and for us to change our behavior if the kids have good reasons on while we are being unreasonable in a particular situation. This is very successful for my husband and I, in particular, because it keeps a level of equality in our marriage. While my husband makes all of the decisions in the end, it makes me feel like a person when he consults me and we talk about what is going on. This is the only way we will remain effective parents too because our children will have a harder time manipulating us. If my husband and I are always on the same page, at least in their presence, then there will no need for our kids to put us against each other or go behind our backs because they will know that we are going to be consistent and they cannot persuade us differently.


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I would like to comment on the Dean Family. It was a very interesting perspective to use their two year old son, and a perspective I definitely appreciate. Kids are so smart and when they know it parents can be in trouble. I like how his son knows when to butter up to his mom and when to distract his dad. This is something that I will need to watch with my own kids and pointing this out now will help me think about it quicker in the future.

Interviewing Other Parents and Families

Interviewing parents is not an easy task, if they are truly effective parents, because they are way too busy to have them sit down to answer questions. Thankfully I got the chance to interview four very different types of parents though this past week who all come from the same small community and worship the same God through the same religion. The first guy I interviewed was a man who is turning forty this month and has triplets, 1 boy and 2 girls, who are seven. Him and his wife work part time and do a lot of free lance work so they can remain primarily stay at home parents. His view of parenting is very narrow and traditional as he defined family from his own definition instead of admitting that there are other ways that people live. He does not believe in single parenting or homosexual parenting to be effective and he blames the turbulent times of society and the corrupted moral compass of individuals. Tradition is what seems to work for him and his family the best as they even desire to get rid of their television and constantly remain in communication with the kids and what they hear at school. Being a parent to multiples is not an easy task though, especially since the first child is normally all about trial and error, let alone to have three kids at once. He is learning as he goes how to be responsible but it is not always easy as he wishes to digress often and go back to the days when he only had to worry about him and his wife.

The next father I interviewed is a little bit more controversial and on the exact opposite end of the first father. He is a homosexual, mid-thirty year old parent who is happily partnered and two adopted children. Many may not accept his parenting styles but as many would also assume, his parenting style is the most open. His definition of family involves people who just live life together and look out for each other and really feels strongly that just because his family is non-traditional does not mean that his family is bad or wrong. He also chooses a very loose parenting style, but with strict boundaries to protect his children. For example, he lets his daughter choose her own clothes, food, and activities for the day; however, if he finds anything to be dangerous or possibly a bad choice he takes the time to discuss it. No matter how long it takes he desires to have conversation and make sure that the child is constantly safe but also learning how to make their own decisions at a very young age. This allows their discussions to be constant because as the children are learning, so is he. He is very alert to the surroundings his children are involved in and very involved whenever possible so they can live life together. From reading books to riding bikes their mouths are rarely shut because they are always finding things to talk about. He does wish that him and his partner could stay home with the kids more, but they also need to remain financially responsible for the kids and this means that they both have to work and shuffle the kids between them from time to time. When I asked him how he would compare his family he said that they are a garden. They all grow at different times, at their own speeds, and in their own ways. They also each have to take turns cultivating each other to remain healthy; rather it is the kids cultivating the parents or vice versa, they all have our times of learning and their times of being taught.

The first mother I interviewed is a single, mid-twenty year old parent who lives with her parents to raise her two young children. She never saw her life turning out this way such she was raised in such a traditional family with strong religious beliefs but she deals with her circumstances the best that she can. Her family definition still remains of mainly traditional roots but since the father is mainly non-existent in her children’s lives she makes sure to keep a constant strong male figure in their lives so they are not completely missing out on an important aspect of their development. Because she lives with her parents and her children are still young they talk about more mature topics such as politics and religion which she thinks will benefit her children in the long run as they will be more educated in mature topics that being babied and sheltered from will ever teach them. While she compares her family to a three-ring circus they really do complement each other well as the grandparents allow her to remain a stay-at-home mom as long as she really helps maintain housework; however, she openly admits that the only way she gets through most of her days is through prayer. Prayer will get the country through turbulent times and also carry her family through the trials that life may bring, without it they would be lost.

The second mother I interviewed is most closely related to the first father I interviewed. She is a thirty-year old woman with two kids and a husband who travels frequently for his work. Her one son has severe personality issues that are hard to diagnose and so it is very wearing on her family as they try to cope to the best of their ability, but because of this they try to maintain very open communication in hope to learn cues of when her son might need extra attention or to learn what medications might be working better than others. Respect is a very big issue for her as most of the time her son has none and she has to remain patient in that remembering that it is not because of her bad parenting but because her son needs constant medical attention; however, this does not help when he is having public outbursts and causing her to feel like she is lacking as a parent. She describes her family as a work in progress because they have far to go, much to learn, and only one day at a time to work on it.

This has been a very interesting project, especially considering my different sources. The main thing that everyone emphasized though is that family is important and that the turbulent times of the country are devaluing that. It is important to maintain family unity, whatever that may mean to that particular family, and remain a tight unit at all times because this is the only way to survive. Also, none of the parents claimed that being a parent is easy. They all had a list of stressors and spent the most time on that question because once they started they just could not stop.

Families are definitely changing, but not necessarily for the bad. We need to stop judging other families that do not look like ours because they are still fighting with the same issues and we need to learn to come together and help one another. This is the only way, in my opinion, to be effective parents because without other parents coming along side of you and helping, you will never make it.