My mother, Janet, uses her economic resources against me at all times. While she is not financially hurting she likes to pretend that she is to withhold helping me. I could write an entire book about incidents just from this year alone. Back in May I asked her to cosign a loan for me so I could attend summer school and she would not because she did not want to be responsible for me not making payments, even though I have never made a late payment on anything. I decided to not talk to her for a week because I was trying to figure out alternative ways when one day out of the blue she called and said that she would pay for the whole tuition amount. In one week she went from not even a signature to paying $5,000. Then as we started wedding planning she refused to help because she said that she had expenses come up. I was not bitter towards this since I understand that happens; however, when I went to deposit $100 into her banking account I saw that she had over $25,000 in her checking account. It does not take a scientist to know that glasses and going to the dentist will not cost that entire amount so I did get a little mad since I am her only daughter and it is a one time event. A week before the wedding though she changed her mind again and ended up helping us out. She uses her resources to try and manipulate me into her way of life even though I am married now and trying to depend on my husband; like I feel a marriage should be. I think that if she set up budgets for certain events in advance and share it equally between my brother and I that it would be much fairer. That way there are no set expectations and she cannot force me into feeling bad or guilty for asking for help on occasion.
My new family, involving my husband, me, and twins, are definitely more conversation oriented. My husband and I both grew up in conformity style homes and did not want to continue that in her family. There is definitely a line that we maintain so our children remember that we are their parents; however, we talk about things and are very open so the children understand why we discipline or think the way we do, also that allows for discussion and for us to change our behavior if the kids have good reasons on while we are being unreasonable in a particular situation. This is very successful for my husband and I, in particular, because it keeps a level of equality in our marriage. While my husband makes all of the decisions in the end, it makes me feel like a person when he consults me and we talk about what is going on. This is the only way we will remain effective parents too because our children will have a harder time manipulating us. If my husband and I are always on the same page, at least in their presence, then there will no need for our kids to put us against each other or go behind our backs because they will know that we are going to be consistent and they cannot persuade us differently.
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I would like to comment on the Dean Family. It was a very interesting perspective to use their two year old son, and a perspective I definitely appreciate. Kids are so smart and when they know it parents can be in trouble. I like how his son knows when to butter up to his mom and when to distract his dad. This is something that I will need to watch with my own kids and pointing this out now will help me think about it quicker in the future.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Interviewing Other Parents and Families
Interviewing parents is not an easy task, if they are truly effective parents, because they are way too busy to have them sit down to answer questions. Thankfully I got the chance to interview four very different types of parents though this past week who all come from the same small community and worship the same God through the same religion. The first guy I interviewed was a man who is turning forty this month and has triplets, 1 boy and 2 girls, who are seven. Him and his wife work part time and do a lot of free lance work so they can remain primarily stay at home parents. His view of parenting is very narrow and traditional as he defined family from his own definition instead of admitting that there are other ways that people live. He does not believe in single parenting or homosexual parenting to be effective and he blames the turbulent times of society and the corrupted moral compass of individuals. Tradition is what seems to work for him and his family the best as they even desire to get rid of their television and constantly remain in communication with the kids and what they hear at school. Being a parent to multiples is not an easy task though, especially since the first child is normally all about trial and error, let alone to have three kids at once. He is learning as he goes how to be responsible but it is not always easy as he wishes to digress often and go back to the days when he only had to worry about him and his wife.
The next father I interviewed is a little bit more controversial and on the exact opposite end of the first father. He is a homosexual, mid-thirty year old parent who is happily partnered and two adopted children. Many may not accept his parenting styles but as many would also assume, his parenting style is the most open. His definition of family involves people who just live life together and look out for each other and really feels strongly that just because his family is non-traditional does not mean that his family is bad or wrong. He also chooses a very loose parenting style, but with strict boundaries to protect his children. For example, he lets his daughter choose her own clothes, food, and activities for the day; however, if he finds anything to be dangerous or possibly a bad choice he takes the time to discuss it. No matter how long it takes he desires to have conversation and make sure that the child is constantly safe but also learning how to make their own decisions at a very young age. This allows their discussions to be constant because as the children are learning, so is he. He is very alert to the surroundings his children are involved in and very involved whenever possible so they can live life together. From reading books to riding bikes their mouths are rarely shut because they are always finding things to talk about. He does wish that him and his partner could stay home with the kids more, but they also need to remain financially responsible for the kids and this means that they both have to work and shuffle the kids between them from time to time. When I asked him how he would compare his family he said that they are a garden. They all grow at different times, at their own speeds, and in their own ways. They also each have to take turns cultivating each other to remain healthy; rather it is the kids cultivating the parents or vice versa, they all have our times of learning and their times of being taught.
The first mother I interviewed is a single, mid-twenty year old parent who lives with her parents to raise her two young children. She never saw her life turning out this way such she was raised in such a traditional family with strong religious beliefs but she deals with her circumstances the best that she can. Her family definition still remains of mainly traditional roots but since the father is mainly non-existent in her children’s lives she makes sure to keep a constant strong male figure in their lives so they are not completely missing out on an important aspect of their development. Because she lives with her parents and her children are still young they talk about more mature topics such as politics and religion which she thinks will benefit her children in the long run as they will be more educated in mature topics that being babied and sheltered from will ever teach them. While she compares her family to a three-ring circus they really do complement each other well as the grandparents allow her to remain a stay-at-home mom as long as she really helps maintain housework; however, she openly admits that the only way she gets through most of her days is through prayer. Prayer will get the country through turbulent times and also carry her family through the trials that life may bring, without it they would be lost.
The second mother I interviewed is most closely related to the first father I interviewed. She is a thirty-year old woman with two kids and a husband who travels frequently for his work. Her one son has severe personality issues that are hard to diagnose and so it is very wearing on her family as they try to cope to the best of their ability, but because of this they try to maintain very open communication in hope to learn cues of when her son might need extra attention or to learn what medications might be working better than others. Respect is a very big issue for her as most of the time her son has none and she has to remain patient in that remembering that it is not because of her bad parenting but because her son needs constant medical attention; however, this does not help when he is having public outbursts and causing her to feel like she is lacking as a parent. She describes her family as a work in progress because they have far to go, much to learn, and only one day at a time to work on it.
This has been a very interesting project, especially considering my different sources. The main thing that everyone emphasized though is that family is important and that the turbulent times of the country are devaluing that. It is important to maintain family unity, whatever that may mean to that particular family, and remain a tight unit at all times because this is the only way to survive. Also, none of the parents claimed that being a parent is easy. They all had a list of stressors and spent the most time on that question because once they started they just could not stop.
Families are definitely changing, but not necessarily for the bad. We need to stop judging other families that do not look like ours because they are still fighting with the same issues and we need to learn to come together and help one another. This is the only way, in my opinion, to be effective parents because without other parents coming along side of you and helping, you will never make it.
The next father I interviewed is a little bit more controversial and on the exact opposite end of the first father. He is a homosexual, mid-thirty year old parent who is happily partnered and two adopted children. Many may not accept his parenting styles but as many would also assume, his parenting style is the most open. His definition of family involves people who just live life together and look out for each other and really feels strongly that just because his family is non-traditional does not mean that his family is bad or wrong. He also chooses a very loose parenting style, but with strict boundaries to protect his children. For example, he lets his daughter choose her own clothes, food, and activities for the day; however, if he finds anything to be dangerous or possibly a bad choice he takes the time to discuss it. No matter how long it takes he desires to have conversation and make sure that the child is constantly safe but also learning how to make their own decisions at a very young age. This allows their discussions to be constant because as the children are learning, so is he. He is very alert to the surroundings his children are involved in and very involved whenever possible so they can live life together. From reading books to riding bikes their mouths are rarely shut because they are always finding things to talk about. He does wish that him and his partner could stay home with the kids more, but they also need to remain financially responsible for the kids and this means that they both have to work and shuffle the kids between them from time to time. When I asked him how he would compare his family he said that they are a garden. They all grow at different times, at their own speeds, and in their own ways. They also each have to take turns cultivating each other to remain healthy; rather it is the kids cultivating the parents or vice versa, they all have our times of learning and their times of being taught.
The first mother I interviewed is a single, mid-twenty year old parent who lives with her parents to raise her two young children. She never saw her life turning out this way such she was raised in such a traditional family with strong religious beliefs but she deals with her circumstances the best that she can. Her family definition still remains of mainly traditional roots but since the father is mainly non-existent in her children’s lives she makes sure to keep a constant strong male figure in their lives so they are not completely missing out on an important aspect of their development. Because she lives with her parents and her children are still young they talk about more mature topics such as politics and religion which she thinks will benefit her children in the long run as they will be more educated in mature topics that being babied and sheltered from will ever teach them. While she compares her family to a three-ring circus they really do complement each other well as the grandparents allow her to remain a stay-at-home mom as long as she really helps maintain housework; however, she openly admits that the only way she gets through most of her days is through prayer. Prayer will get the country through turbulent times and also carry her family through the trials that life may bring, without it they would be lost.
The second mother I interviewed is most closely related to the first father I interviewed. She is a thirty-year old woman with two kids and a husband who travels frequently for his work. Her one son has severe personality issues that are hard to diagnose and so it is very wearing on her family as they try to cope to the best of their ability, but because of this they try to maintain very open communication in hope to learn cues of when her son might need extra attention or to learn what medications might be working better than others. Respect is a very big issue for her as most of the time her son has none and she has to remain patient in that remembering that it is not because of her bad parenting but because her son needs constant medical attention; however, this does not help when he is having public outbursts and causing her to feel like she is lacking as a parent. She describes her family as a work in progress because they have far to go, much to learn, and only one day at a time to work on it.
This has been a very interesting project, especially considering my different sources. The main thing that everyone emphasized though is that family is important and that the turbulent times of the country are devaluing that. It is important to maintain family unity, whatever that may mean to that particular family, and remain a tight unit at all times because this is the only way to survive. Also, none of the parents claimed that being a parent is easy. They all had a list of stressors and spent the most time on that question because once they started they just could not stop.
Families are definitely changing, but not necessarily for the bad. We need to stop judging other families that do not look like ours because they are still fighting with the same issues and we need to learn to come together and help one another. This is the only way, in my opinion, to be effective parents because without other parents coming along side of you and helping, you will never make it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Role Functions
My family is, as stated before, beyond dysfunctional and so the only function we meet is that we allow individual development; however, I would not say that this is done in the most positive of lights. Growing up I was constantly on my own. At the age of five I remember putting chicken tenders and fries in the oven or cooking macaroni and cheese on the stove because my parents were too busy working that I had to cook for myself if I wanted to eat. As I got older they left me completely on my own and so I lived out of my car and at my friend's house which caused me to develop myself quickly because there was no one looking out for me, except for me.
In regards to the other functions, my family was not very affectionate and I grew up incredibly naive as I did not even know what sex was until my freshman year of college and I never even kissed a guy until I was 22. While no one believes me, I just can defend myself with saying that I had other things to worry about, like finding a roof to sleep under, than finding a boyfriend and dealing with the high school drama I saw my friends go thorugh. When I did spend time with my parents though it was primarily with my dad because the gender roles of my brother and I were confused. He was the son who cleaned, was in show choir, and played piano while I was the daughter who shot funs, mowed the yard, and drove the four wheelers whenever I got a change. There was not much emotional support or nurturing in these activities whick led my brother and I to grow up with a lack of confidence. We both know how to do a lot of things, but none of them well because we never got the encouragement we eneded to want to master anything. There was definitely no form of family managment or kinship as it was "survival of the fittest". If we could outwit one parent and o to the other, we would. If we could get away with sneaking around and not talking to either parent, we would. There was never a bond that made my brother or I feel guilty but instead it caused us to give each other hints about our deviancy. And finally our basic resources were met to some extent, but does that really matter when everything else was out of order? Especially when our basic resources should have been higher than those around us because of our parents' high paying jobs but we were still forced to survival ike poor cihldren and pay for everything ourselves.
Fitzpatrick's couple types were hard for me to identify with because I am not married yet; however, I found it interesting because I am getting married this month. I think Ren and I would identify with the more traditional couple but I would say we are far from traditional. Ren definitely runs the house and makes all the decisions yet we completely lack having a schedule and we keep living abnormal to what is expected for us. Our relationship has been nothing but backwards as we got pregnant in July, went on our honeymoon in September, and we are getting married in October so it is funny for me to say we are traditional. The gender roles are definitely in place though for the household chores as I am in charge of cleaning and cooking and he is in charge of the cards and yard work. In other ways though he is overly masculine in his decision making that he is even planning our entire wedding. I have had little say in it and I have been fine with that because his color and decoration choices are better than I would have suggested and it alleviates some stress in my life.
Growing up I was a definite conflict avoider as I would run to my room at the first sign of an argument. I think this stems from a family who resorted to a life full of yelling but now I just can't handle any sort of raised voice, including a pastor who is just passionate about his sermon. I think in my relationship with Ren though we are a volatile type of couple who are just use to disagreeing and arguing. Typically we get mad, he yells, I cry, there is osme silence and spatial distance, and then we move on with the day's plans without acknowledging we were just fighting. There is not always a resolution but we just move on until the next time we get mad and snap at each other.
Growing up my family was definitely a "random type" of family but I intend to change that with my new family. I desire to have intimacy and closeness with my husband and kids so we will have a more closeed familiy with traditions and family nights. On the other hand, I do not want them to be as naive as I was for their whole lives and I would love to have a more open family as the kids get older, as long as they know that they can always ask Ren and I questions and for advice. I never want to have such an open family that some day we become such a random type family that our family unity is completely gone and my children are writing bad things about our family like I write about my own.
In regards to the other functions, my family was not very affectionate and I grew up incredibly naive as I did not even know what sex was until my freshman year of college and I never even kissed a guy until I was 22. While no one believes me, I just can defend myself with saying that I had other things to worry about, like finding a roof to sleep under, than finding a boyfriend and dealing with the high school drama I saw my friends go thorugh. When I did spend time with my parents though it was primarily with my dad because the gender roles of my brother and I were confused. He was the son who cleaned, was in show choir, and played piano while I was the daughter who shot funs, mowed the yard, and drove the four wheelers whenever I got a change. There was not much emotional support or nurturing in these activities whick led my brother and I to grow up with a lack of confidence. We both know how to do a lot of things, but none of them well because we never got the encouragement we eneded to want to master anything. There was definitely no form of family managment or kinship as it was "survival of the fittest". If we could outwit one parent and o to the other, we would. If we could get away with sneaking around and not talking to either parent, we would. There was never a bond that made my brother or I feel guilty but instead it caused us to give each other hints about our deviancy. And finally our basic resources were met to some extent, but does that really matter when everything else was out of order? Especially when our basic resources should have been higher than those around us because of our parents' high paying jobs but we were still forced to survival ike poor cihldren and pay for everything ourselves.
Fitzpatrick's couple types were hard for me to identify with because I am not married yet; however, I found it interesting because I am getting married this month. I think Ren and I would identify with the more traditional couple but I would say we are far from traditional. Ren definitely runs the house and makes all the decisions yet we completely lack having a schedule and we keep living abnormal to what is expected for us. Our relationship has been nothing but backwards as we got pregnant in July, went on our honeymoon in September, and we are getting married in October so it is funny for me to say we are traditional. The gender roles are definitely in place though for the household chores as I am in charge of cleaning and cooking and he is in charge of the cards and yard work. In other ways though he is overly masculine in his decision making that he is even planning our entire wedding. I have had little say in it and I have been fine with that because his color and decoration choices are better than I would have suggested and it alleviates some stress in my life.
Growing up I was a definite conflict avoider as I would run to my room at the first sign of an argument. I think this stems from a family who resorted to a life full of yelling but now I just can't handle any sort of raised voice, including a pastor who is just passionate about his sermon. I think in my relationship with Ren though we are a volatile type of couple who are just use to disagreeing and arguing. Typically we get mad, he yells, I cry, there is osme silence and spatial distance, and then we move on with the day's plans without acknowledging we were just fighting. There is not always a resolution but we just move on until the next time we get mad and snap at each other.
Growing up my family was definitely a "random type" of family but I intend to change that with my new family. I desire to have intimacy and closeness with my husband and kids so we will have a more closeed familiy with traditions and family nights. On the other hand, I do not want them to be as naive as I was for their whole lives and I would love to have a more open family as the kids get older, as long as they know that they can always ask Ren and I questions and for advice. I never want to have such an open family that some day we become such a random type family that our family unity is completely gone and my children are writing bad things about our family like I write about my own.
The Burley Family
In response to the Burley Family I think that they have the right idea with sticking to their traditional roots of the man making the decisions and the woman taking care of the house and children. I hate to admit that I might be traditional, but there was less divorce when this was the way of life, so maybe there is something to it after all. I also like that they allow the daughter to explore feminine and masculine interests and does not make her stick to liking princesses. I think it is very important to children that they get to explore all areas at a young age than wait till they are older and possibly have an identity crisis because of it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Family Rules
Rules were hard to come by in my family as most of ours were implicit, or unspoken.
The first implicit rule was in regards to my mother. Never, ever, try to talk to her during one of her television shows unless it was on a commercial. Absolutely nothing I have to do, say, or ask is more important than prime time television and I was to learn that at a young age. If I was to break this rule my mother would give me that motherly look that would scare me away and remind me to never do that again. Now that my parents have upgraded to DVR I am now allowed to speak if I can see that the red light is recording and my mom is assured that she can rewind those few seconds I spoke and watch every single moment of the program.
Next was if you saw my dad getting on the motorcyle than grab a helmet and expect to get ice cream. Typically if my dad was also getting in the car without my mom the same rule applied, but it was not a guarantee. This was always my favorite thing to do, especially as my bedroom was right on top of the garage and I would race down the steps if I heard the garage door go up. It was always a good time that my dad and I got to spend together and it really drew us close at a young age as I knew that I could always talk to him. My dad is still the same way, even though I am about to become a parent myself, and it is so refreshing to know that some things never change.
The last explicit rule may seem rude to the traditional family and odd to any outsiders viewing my family; but it was completelly normal and anticipated from my family. Whenever i leave the house I always say "bye jerk face" or "see you later dipstick" to my dad. We have never used the phrase "I love you" as our love is shown in a more sarcastic manner. Growing up my dad was always coming up with ridiculous nicknames for me that made no sense so I started coming up with names back such as meany head and other childish phrases. As I have got older I have tried to outwit him and come up with every day words that I can use that have more of a story behind them. For example, when I got my first car I was skimming through the owner's manual and I saw the word "dipstick" so I turned to my dad quickly and said "Look! Your name is in this book!" and poined at dipstick with this huge grin that I beat my dad to the punch; unfortunately, he promptly looked up and said "And there is yours" as he pointed at the words "air bag". I have never been able to keep up with his humor but we have tried to maintain our relationship by being odd and calling each other meaningless names.
The only explicit rule we had was a very reasonable rule. I still lived with my parents after I turned 18 but unfortunately my friends all lived twenty minutes away from me. Because of this dilemma it was hard for me to go home and write my parents a note that I was going to stay at a friend's house when I would not know till really late so we came up with a great deal. Our compromise was that by the time my dad would wake up in the morning my car needed to be in the drive way or there needed to be a text on his phone that I was safe. I never once broke this rule and it made living at home as an adult much easier because if I did not know where I was going to be sleeping by five in the morning than I had a problem! I knew that their intentions were to not worry and to just know that I was not stuck on the side of the road some where and I respected that since I was living under their roof, rent free.
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My response is to the Dean Family
I think it is great that your family has created stability by enforcing the same rules when both parents are there or just the mom or just the dad. This was definitely lacking in my family and caused a lot of tension as I knew which parent to go to when I wanted a particular thing. It is great that you have noticed that and prevented it from occurring and from constant arguing later on in life.
The first implicit rule was in regards to my mother. Never, ever, try to talk to her during one of her television shows unless it was on a commercial. Absolutely nothing I have to do, say, or ask is more important than prime time television and I was to learn that at a young age. If I was to break this rule my mother would give me that motherly look that would scare me away and remind me to never do that again. Now that my parents have upgraded to DVR I am now allowed to speak if I can see that the red light is recording and my mom is assured that she can rewind those few seconds I spoke and watch every single moment of the program.
Next was if you saw my dad getting on the motorcyle than grab a helmet and expect to get ice cream. Typically if my dad was also getting in the car without my mom the same rule applied, but it was not a guarantee. This was always my favorite thing to do, especially as my bedroom was right on top of the garage and I would race down the steps if I heard the garage door go up. It was always a good time that my dad and I got to spend together and it really drew us close at a young age as I knew that I could always talk to him. My dad is still the same way, even though I am about to become a parent myself, and it is so refreshing to know that some things never change.
The last explicit rule may seem rude to the traditional family and odd to any outsiders viewing my family; but it was completelly normal and anticipated from my family. Whenever i leave the house I always say "bye jerk face" or "see you later dipstick" to my dad. We have never used the phrase "I love you" as our love is shown in a more sarcastic manner. Growing up my dad was always coming up with ridiculous nicknames for me that made no sense so I started coming up with names back such as meany head and other childish phrases. As I have got older I have tried to outwit him and come up with every day words that I can use that have more of a story behind them. For example, when I got my first car I was skimming through the owner's manual and I saw the word "dipstick" so I turned to my dad quickly and said "Look! Your name is in this book!" and poined at dipstick with this huge grin that I beat my dad to the punch; unfortunately, he promptly looked up and said "And there is yours" as he pointed at the words "air bag". I have never been able to keep up with his humor but we have tried to maintain our relationship by being odd and calling each other meaningless names.
The only explicit rule we had was a very reasonable rule. I still lived with my parents after I turned 18 but unfortunately my friends all lived twenty minutes away from me. Because of this dilemma it was hard for me to go home and write my parents a note that I was going to stay at a friend's house when I would not know till really late so we came up with a great deal. Our compromise was that by the time my dad would wake up in the morning my car needed to be in the drive way or there needed to be a text on his phone that I was safe. I never once broke this rule and it made living at home as an adult much easier because if I did not know where I was going to be sleeping by five in the morning than I had a problem! I knew that their intentions were to not worry and to just know that I was not stuck on the side of the road some where and I respected that since I was living under their roof, rent free.
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My response is to the Dean Family
I think it is great that your family has created stability by enforcing the same rules when both parents are there or just the mom or just the dad. This was definitely lacking in my family and caused a lot of tension as I knew which parent to go to when I wanted a particular thing. It is great that you have noticed that and prevented it from occurring and from constant arguing later on in life.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Core of My Family
COhesion has never came easy for us because in reality we are a far from cohesive family. Our emotional bonding is non-existent unless we are yelling at each other, our boundaries are the size of the Grand Canyon, we do not lean upon each other when making decisions, and we are not involved in each others interests. I guess this is partially because of our mixed family. In my biological family, the Laffins, it is easier to cut times and walk away from problems with the family then to stand strong and be there for each other. This is definitely shown when my biological mother decided to sleep through parenting classes and put no effort into making the home a better place for me which caused her to lose parental rights. Instead of owning up to her responsibility or asking her parents to care for yet another one of her kids she created a massive boundary and fled. In my adopted family, the Carpers, I was always the odd one out because I was the one who just did not belong. Physically I was the bigger boned redhead while the rest of my family had dark hair and was fit. They had their own biological son which was the prized child which they had great cohesion with; however, I was always the outsider because they did not expect me to turn into much more than my mother did. The time to nurture me was lacking and so I created my own boundaries and shut them off before they had the chance to hurt me more.
Adaptability was another struggle for my family; however, it was all I knew. The Laffins adapted pretty well to life without me as they went fourteen years without contacting me. They were not affected by their circumstances and my mother even had another child after me and raised that child till he was fifteen. As stated previously, the Carpers did not adapt well as they never really tried to make me their daughter. They wanted to be the hero and save a child who needed a home, but a child needs more than just a roof over their head, they need to belong and feel loved. As I became a teenager I got tired of not fitting into any family so I packed up my car and lived out of it. Many of my firends took me in and I was comfortable sleeping wherever there was a bed or a couch. I did not complain and I took advantage of the families who made me feel like I belonged. I did not judge them for what my other families had done to me but I embraced them in hopes of feeling loved.
When analyzing my family this indepth I have come to realize that we are a very dysfuctional coffee shop. My biological father was just a seasonal Pumpkin Latte who was there to donate his goodness fora very short time but left before he needed to commit to his surroundings. My biological mother is a very weak, watered down cup of coffee. She has no reason to be part of the coffee shop famility because she does not have the right characteristics or desire to belong. She fails easy and does not care about bettering herself. My adopted father is a decaf coffee. While he is a great father, he has no backbone. He worries more about not causing any disturbance than to just be the man of the house who takes charge. My adopted mother is an Americano; very strong, on a league of her own, and likes to separate herself from the rest. She could be a very compassionate woman but she chooses to separate herself from people and do things her own way, which barely ever works the way I think she hopes it will. I am a smoothie. Completely confused and blended by so many personalities that I barely even know where I came from or what I am made of.
My adopted mother was the best at creating boundaries. They were bigger than an entire planet and she never lets anyone in, not even her children. My brother and I are constantly confused and trying to figure out what is going on in her head as her actions seem so irrational and unexplainable. We use to blame it all on menopause because we did not want to believe that she could be that crazy and insensitive; however, unless menopause lasts for 15 years it is time to accept the reality that she would rather keep us out. In return, I have created great boundaries towards my family. I barely ever let my fmaily in or tell them anything about the real me because I know it would not be accepted and I feel like I am a better person without their criticism. My other families that have taken me in through the years are the ones that matter to me and I can tell them anything without limitation, especially my fiance's family. As I am about to get married I am realizing even more how many boundaries my family has had. My fiance's family tells each other they love each other constantly and hug when they say goodbye. In my fmaily their never was any physical affirmation, let alone the use of the word love. This is something that I hope to change with my twins because I want to have a very loving family that can share with each other anything at anytime, even if my child has felt like they have done something wrong. I do not want to be their best friend, and I want to maintain my authority, but it is very important to not carry on my fmaily's tradition of distance for the sake of my children.
So with all of this said I think the theme of my families would be "scared". My biological father was too scared to step up to the plate and take care of the child he created while my biological mother was the same way, she just could not escape as easy. My adopted family was scared to make me their daughter because it might take away attention from their biological son. And me, well I always grew up scared and wondering when the next blow would come and when I would have to meet my third family. Thankfully I am now at the age where my third family is my own family and I will not be a scared mother. I refuse to keep this theme going and I will make my family be different from what I had.
Adaptability was another struggle for my family; however, it was all I knew. The Laffins adapted pretty well to life without me as they went fourteen years without contacting me. They were not affected by their circumstances and my mother even had another child after me and raised that child till he was fifteen. As stated previously, the Carpers did not adapt well as they never really tried to make me their daughter. They wanted to be the hero and save a child who needed a home, but a child needs more than just a roof over their head, they need to belong and feel loved. As I became a teenager I got tired of not fitting into any family so I packed up my car and lived out of it. Many of my firends took me in and I was comfortable sleeping wherever there was a bed or a couch. I did not complain and I took advantage of the families who made me feel like I belonged. I did not judge them for what my other families had done to me but I embraced them in hopes of feeling loved.
When analyzing my family this indepth I have come to realize that we are a very dysfuctional coffee shop. My biological father was just a seasonal Pumpkin Latte who was there to donate his goodness fora very short time but left before he needed to commit to his surroundings. My biological mother is a very weak, watered down cup of coffee. She has no reason to be part of the coffee shop famility because she does not have the right characteristics or desire to belong. She fails easy and does not care about bettering herself. My adopted father is a decaf coffee. While he is a great father, he has no backbone. He worries more about not causing any disturbance than to just be the man of the house who takes charge. My adopted mother is an Americano; very strong, on a league of her own, and likes to separate herself from the rest. She could be a very compassionate woman but she chooses to separate herself from people and do things her own way, which barely ever works the way I think she hopes it will. I am a smoothie. Completely confused and blended by so many personalities that I barely even know where I came from or what I am made of.
My adopted mother was the best at creating boundaries. They were bigger than an entire planet and she never lets anyone in, not even her children. My brother and I are constantly confused and trying to figure out what is going on in her head as her actions seem so irrational and unexplainable. We use to blame it all on menopause because we did not want to believe that she could be that crazy and insensitive; however, unless menopause lasts for 15 years it is time to accept the reality that she would rather keep us out. In return, I have created great boundaries towards my family. I barely ever let my fmaily in or tell them anything about the real me because I know it would not be accepted and I feel like I am a better person without their criticism. My other families that have taken me in through the years are the ones that matter to me and I can tell them anything without limitation, especially my fiance's family. As I am about to get married I am realizing even more how many boundaries my family has had. My fiance's family tells each other they love each other constantly and hug when they say goodbye. In my fmaily their never was any physical affirmation, let alone the use of the word love. This is something that I hope to change with my twins because I want to have a very loving family that can share with each other anything at anytime, even if my child has felt like they have done something wrong. I do not want to be their best friend, and I want to maintain my authority, but it is very important to not carry on my fmaily's tradition of distance for the sake of my children.
So with all of this said I think the theme of my families would be "scared". My biological father was too scared to step up to the plate and take care of the child he created while my biological mother was the same way, she just could not escape as easy. My adopted family was scared to make me their daughter because it might take away attention from their biological son. And me, well I always grew up scared and wondering when the next blow would come and when I would have to meet my third family. Thankfully I am now at the age where my third family is my own family and I will not be a scared mother. I refuse to keep this theme going and I will make my family be different from what I had.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
What is Family?
Defining family has never been an easy task for me because of my skewed childhood.
I was born to a careless, negligent mother who cared more about sex and alcohol than her two daughters. This later resulted in her losing me as onlookers got tired of watching the abuse she was placing upon me at such a young age. As a result she lost me. It was her own doing as she had repeated opportunities to get me back but never took a single one. I was thrown around from foster home to foster home for awhile until I was finally adopted.
Most see adoption as a blessing and I should be forever indebted to my parents for being saints and taking me in; however, life with them was not the blessed road it was suppose to be. I had two working parents who were too busy for another child so they threw me from home to home and believed they were giving me a great life. Little did they know that my life was becoming full of despair, abuse, and adversity.
My biological family came back at the age of 19 and tried to take me back but it was too late. It took me awhile to realize this but once I did I moved past longing to know my family and decided to make a life for myself without either family.
Like I said, my definition of family is probably skewed compared to most. I would define family as those who choose to be around you and will love you unconditionally. They do not need to share a blood line they just need to share the desire to care for each other despite the circumstances surrounding them, in the good and the bad. This is how I hope to be with my family some day so my children can have an unbiased definition of family when they are my age taking this class.
I was born to a careless, negligent mother who cared more about sex and alcohol than her two daughters. This later resulted in her losing me as onlookers got tired of watching the abuse she was placing upon me at such a young age. As a result she lost me. It was her own doing as she had repeated opportunities to get me back but never took a single one. I was thrown around from foster home to foster home for awhile until I was finally adopted.
Most see adoption as a blessing and I should be forever indebted to my parents for being saints and taking me in; however, life with them was not the blessed road it was suppose to be. I had two working parents who were too busy for another child so they threw me from home to home and believed they were giving me a great life. Little did they know that my life was becoming full of despair, abuse, and adversity.
My biological family came back at the age of 19 and tried to take me back but it was too late. It took me awhile to realize this but once I did I moved past longing to know my family and decided to make a life for myself without either family.
Like I said, my definition of family is probably skewed compared to most. I would define family as those who choose to be around you and will love you unconditionally. They do not need to share a blood line they just need to share the desire to care for each other despite the circumstances surrounding them, in the good and the bad. This is how I hope to be with my family some day so my children can have an unbiased definition of family when they are my age taking this class.
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